the void

(me, Lisa, and Nicole) 

The void.

For the most part, it has been a joy revisiting my time in India through this most recent collection.

But there’s another side too. And I haven’t quite known if or how to share it, because much of it is not my story to tell. But it is inextricably linked to India in my mind.

Our trip to India started with 3 of us. My friend Lisa invited me, along with her friend Nicole, who I had met only once.

I knew Lisa both from the recovery world and the yoga world and I admired her so very much. A decade wiser than me, after raising 5 children, the last couple years of her life had been dedicated to travel, seeing the world, and snapping some truly amazing photos of her adventures.

Shortly after we all arrived in India though, it was clear something was wrong. Lisa was struggling. She’d had a recent illness, her mental health was not well, and her nervous system was shot. After just a day or two in India, she returned home to seek help.

Nicole and I went on to have a beautiful experience in India, but all along there was a void, the knowledge that Lisa was supposed to be here with us.

In the following years, I watched my friend slip away. We went to Bali together and we talked on the phone. She tried hard to put on a good face, but she was still struggling mightily.

And I think I was in denial a little bit. Because she was so strong and grounded and vibrant and rooted when I met her, I assumed that she’d make her way back to that in time.

She didn’t. She died by suicide in 2021.

To me, it was a shock. Even though the signs were there. It did not make sense to me that she was gone.

And I don’t know exactly why I’m sharing this, except that it somehow feels important. And I have felt my friend with me these last few weeks.

I don’t know what it all means. Still. I just know that when I think of India, I think of my friend. And when I think of my friend, I am reminded of how both precious and precarious life is. How everyday that I wake up feeling healthy + sober is an absolute fucking blessing. How easily it could tip the other way.

There but for the grace of god or goddess or universe or chance go I.